When Chalerm, the Queen of Si Saket and I came home from the market the boys wanted to try the squid they had bought.
- We cooking in living loom, said Chalerm.
- What? You can’t cook in the living room, I said.
- Can, said Chalerm.
- There is nothing to cook with. Cook in the kitchen.
- You go sleep, said Chalerm.
I didn’t go to sleep but I was behind my computer, doing this blog and not paying much attention to the boys. They were in the kitchen. It smelled like they were frying something. Or it smelled like burned wood. After a while the boys came into the living room with some pots and utensils. I assumed they were going to eat in the sofa by the television.
I looked up in the air. I worried about the fire alarm. The boys had opened the slide doors to the balcony to let fresh air in. It didn’t look too smoke-filled but the smell of something burning was strong.
I was following this from the corner of my eye while writing on the computer. The boys sat down and began their meal.
The phone rang. It was the internal line of the building and Chalerm answered it. He looked serious and he only said “yes yes’ while the person at the other end spoke.
- Who was it? I asked Chalerm.
- Nobody.
- Who?
- Not know.
- Who??
- Never mind.
- Say it. Was it the security guard from downstairs?
- Yes.
- What did he say?
- Not say.
- Tell me, I said in an increasingly annoyed tone. Chalerm sensed he could not avoid an answer.
- Him only asking if we cooking, said Chalerm.
- Cooking?
- Yes.
- Did our neighbours complain about the smell?
- Him not say.
I rose from the computer table to check what the boys were doing. They were grilling squid. What I had thought were pots with food were two ceramic holders with burning coal. They had lit a live fire inside our apartment. Two fires, actually. No wonder it smelled like something was burning.
- I don’t think this is a good idea, I said.
The Queen of Si Saket watched me nervously. He seemed to fear I would explode with anger and get violent. Chalerm, who knew better, wasn’t afraid but he went quiet all of a sudden. He put out the fires and carried the stuff away.
Either someone must have called him, or the security guard must have smelled the fire from his desk, ten stories below. Why did he call our apartment? It had to be us. It is always us.
In the kitchen I saw the boys had bought a sack of coal. So this is what Chalerm had in mind when he said he would cook in the living room. I am sure this grilling scheme works fine in a garden in the village, but in a high rise apartment building in Bangkok it will get us more attention than we need. It was a lesson in urban living for Chalerm.
I have been struggling find something to write in response to the reader who asked for strategies for dealing with Thai boys when they become difficult.
At least it helps to be prepared for it. Many Thai boys will have periods of bad behaviour. The unsuspecting farang, thinking he has found his dream boy in paradise, can be thrown into confusion and despair when the little prince suddenly misbehaves. But there is no need to panic, or to believe that this must be a special case.
Some of my friends talk about a zero-tolerance strategy but I don’t think they actually see that through. I accept that Chalerm is young and that Thai culture and so-so education has kept him immature compared to a Western boy the same age. Besides, any of us can have a bad day. So I don’t want to strike down hard on a little sulking. If he is tired, for example, I say he should go to sleep and I can talk to him the next day when he is in a better mood.
One principle borrowed from child rearing is clear and consistent boundaries. You must make up your mind where you draw the line and defend that line. In my case, he has never done anything bad, it is just his mouth or his mood. But a friend of mine drew the line when his Thai boy started trashing the furniture. I drew the line when Chalerm called me names – it was unacceptable and I told him so. He has not done that since.
One school of thought holds that Thai boys must be kicked out now and then to remind them to behave. I have sent mine packing four times in nearly four years. Apart from talking to him it is the only sanction I have. I have never threatened to cut off his money, or threatened to break up. But it is of course implied that if I send him home to granny his position is in danger.
I told him when I sent him to university that I would see him through it even if our relationship ended before he graduated. This gives him a sense of stability, I hope. I felt this was the fair way of doing it. It need not be his fault if we broke up and once I have started it I want to finish it. I can’t play with his life and drop him halfway through if I tire of him. This is his great chance to escape village poverty and if he will study I will pay the bill.
What else? Patience. They improve with time. At least Chalerm does. I am not sure if my X-bf has improved significantly over the years. With Chalerm the trust and knowledge of each other helps. In the beginning he wasn’t sure if I was serious about him, or if I knew what I was doing. To him I appeared to be strange foreigner. If I didn’t even know how to buy a bus ticket in Bangkok, could I know much about anything else? He has more faith in my judgement now.
Communication helps too. I speak a bit Thai and his English has improved a lot since I met him. We can now speak properly and explain our points of view. It helps that he has learned about farang culture and how we are. It helps that I have lived in Thailand for a while and that he isn’t my first Thai boyfriend. It also helps that before I moved here, I read as much about Thailand as I could and took part in Internet forums about the country. If you don’t have a basic understanding of Thai culture and how Thai boys think and behave you will be in for a lot of surprises and misunderstandings.
Chalerm, his friend Lek (aka The Queen of Si Saket) and I went to the market at Klong Thoey Friday evening. Chalerm wanted to buy squid. He likes squid.
In the taxi I heard the boys talk to the driver about the political rally in Lumpini Park. The subject came up less because they were interested in politics, and more as an explanation of why the traffic was so bad.
- Do you understand we speak Thai? asked Chalerm.
- Yes, I said.
- You not understand.
- Yes I do. You are talking about Sondhi and the meeting in the park. For people who don’t like Thaksin.
- Not correct, said Chalerm cheekily.
We drove past two young farangs on Rama 4.
- Is the one in black shirt handsome? I asked.
- Han-sam, said The Queen of Si Saket.
- Normal, said Chalerm.
- You are better looking than he is, said the taxi driver and patted me on my knee.
Klong Thoey market smelled of animals. Pigs. I didn’t see them but I smelled them. And lots of fish. We arrived late and there were few other customers. The sellers were loading and transporting stuff.
- I am gay but I don’t like shopping, I said.
- Why you no like? asked Lek.
- It is boring.
- Shopping is for lady, said Chalerm. - You man.
We were supposed to buy squid but they wanted lots of others things too. I got bored and waited outside, near the busy road.
- Thai whisky! shouted some men who were drinking by the market. They wanted me to join them. I kept my distance.
When we drove home in the taxi I asked Lek in Thai how long he had been in Bangkok. I didn’t understand the answer. The boys did a high five.
Lek spoke to me in schoolboy French. I didn’t understand that either.
- Sing song America, said Chalerm.
- Which song? They have lots of songs.
- Song country.
- You mean the national anthem?
- Yes.
- I don’t know the American one.
- England?
I sang God Save the Queen. The taxi driver was impressed.
- Tomorrow have to go back Klong Thoey market, said Chalerm. - Today no have beef.
- You can go, I said.
- We can go, said Chalerm.
- You and Lek can go, I said.
The new guy at 7-Eleven tried to cheat me today. I bought stuff for 123 baht. I gave him 500. He gave me 327 baht back.
Conveniently, the receipt says what I have given him and what the change should be. No math needed.
It was crowded and as I counted the money someone else moved in front of me. I went aside and said in broken Thai to one of the girls that 50 baht was missing. I was still holding the cash in my hand.
I can’t be sure but I think it was deliberate. The cashier was too unsurprised. He avoided eye contact but grinned that broad sheepish smile Thais do when they are in trouble. The other staff, people who have been there longer and who know me, went tense and quiet. The cashier gave me another 50 baht.
Early in this discussion I put forward some ideas about stereotypical dysfunctional behaviours amongst gay Thai boys, partly in response to one of Silom’s other correspondents who had suggested that Silom put up with too much from Chalerm. I think we have demonstrated that these behaviours are not uncommon amongst gay Thai boys, and perhaps young Thais in general.
I do think there are different forms of maturity. Many poor Isaan young boys and girls are essentially supporting their families from a young age. They do this as best they can, with an admirable “practical maturity” and responsibility that Western youths - of similar age but better education - would struggle to match. But the Thais are often emotionally immature.
I think anonymous #1 in this thread has made some good points. Unfortunately, other than age, few of these are going to change for most boys if they haven’t got these attributes when you meet them. I have given my bf a degree but yes, it is from Ram ! … I agree that one would not call this a “real” degree in the Western sense (even Chula ranked only 121 in the world in the recent TES ratings of world universities). However it has given him a definate “leg up” in the job market.
Like Chalerm, he “at least knows the real world and the value of work”. Money he’s less strong on. I have managed to keep this under control, despite his fervent wish for a BMW, a house for his mother, and a 5 megapixel digital camera.
Perhaps we could move towards discussing strategies that have helped our bfs become more emotionally mature BEFORE their 35th birthdays.
Anonymous said…
Interesting “conversation” going on these last few days on this site. Thanks for brokering it, Silom Farang.
However, I think that we should be careful making generalizations and stereotypes. Not ALL gay boys are drama queens. Not ALL Thai boys are selfish and immature. Not ALL Thai university students are crybabies.
But if we change “all” to “many”, I will be happy to agree, in many cases
(By the way, I speak as a male university teacher in Bangkok with a mature drama-free Thai boyfriend.)
Silom Farang said…
A mature drama-free Thai boyfriend? You don’t say. Is he
(a) Thai-Chinese?
(b) Over 30?
Anonymous said…
I agree that you stereotype too much. “All” Thai boys are this way or that way. You explain away the different experiences by the examples of a few friends’ boyfriends. There are trends, but people are individuals, too.
After all, if “all” Thais were the same, wouldn’t your boyfriend be a lying, cheating scammer, too?
Silom Farang wrote…
How can we get anywhere if we don’t generalise about Thai boys and look at broad trends? Ok, so it is not true for every boy, but seen as a group it can be true that, for example
The AVERAGE Thai-Chinese boy is less moody than a Thai-Thai boy is
The AVERAGE moneyboy has picked up some ways of dealing with foreigners and money that can cause problems
In GENERAL the younger are less mature than the older ones
and so on.
Then someone comes and says that my bf used to work in a bar and he is NOT greedy or demanding, but my X was greedy and demanding despite never having worked in a bar. OK. But that doesn’t need to disprove the overall picture. You can’t geneneralise about groups and then apply it on individuals. This means generalisations are of limited value, but they can still give insight. My favourite example is the Chinese boys, who really are different.
Seems like there are a lot of factors involved in determining “maturity level”. Perhaps we can give the following test to our Thai boys and see how they rank. One point for every YES answer below:
* I am over 25 years old
* I have an undergrad degree or am working on one (from a real university i.e., Chula or Thammasat, not Ramkamhaeng)
* I have a graduate degree or am working on one
* My parents have stable jobs
* I know my father and he is not a raging drunk
* I come from a Chinese family
* I have lived outside of Thailand and Laos (other than in a supported set-up)
* I enjoy reading
* I have never worked in a spa, sauna, bar, or disco
* I have never been a freelance money boy
Are there others? I don’t think I have ever met a Thai boy who can say YES to all, but I have a lot of friends in Bangkok who will only miss one or two…
Silom Farang wrote…
You can add “I am not taking ladyboy hormones, Muscle Mary stereoids, or drugs, and I am not an alcoholic”.
> A Thai boy who enjoys reading? You mean cartoons, of course?
Purely anecdotal (and I have yet to ‘live’ long term with him, so I concede that Silom has more experience with this aspect): My guy is NOT college educated. He would have, I suppose, essentialy the Thai equivalent of N. American high school graduation.
He is a farmer/driver/small businessman from a farm family and community. He still lives there to this day.
In fact he has not an iota of immaturity (well, possibly ‘driving’ his vehicle, but even then he’s open to being “talked down” and takes it easy when it’s metioned).
In fact I would be quite honest in saying he has ~ over the last 6 years ~ pointed out many the immature habits which I have, and which I have often been embarrassed to have identified.
He has a surfeit of intuitive understanding of Thai ‘nature’ … and that often carries over to the universal as well, much to the bewilderment of the general comprehension of Thai character exhibited on “some message boards”.
Intuitive and gentle intelligence is much misunderstood, but I’ll take his for what it is … not particularly worldly (but by no means ignorant of Other Places), but not at all pompous or Westcentric either.
For me, his comfortable intelligence makes me more content than any hifalutin verbal one-ups-manship.
As far as “relationship” discussions go, he’s come to enjoy the inner game of tenderness expression, and does not shy away from it. Nor am I the only one who thinks it matters.
By the way … 2 things which may be of importance here: (1) he is 37 years old, and (2) he has never been “in the business”.
Cheers …
Dave [Smiles]
Anonymous said…
On re-reading, my post below sounds slightly gushing. It’s not meant to be: perhaps a list of his “faults” will be next, to balance things off.
But I don’t have any …
That makes two of us. I don’t have any faults either. Chalerm’s 37th birthday is only 15 years away. Meanwhile I have to live with my punishment for liking them young and fem (adds to drama tendencies?)
Re “the business”. They get spoilt in the trade and a farang who wants to make a boyfriend out of a barboy must convince the boy that the sort of spending a 2-week tourist can do isn’t possible in an everyday relationship. The bar/moneyboys also pick up manipulative tricks in “the business” (buffalo dead, brother motorbike accident). This is not a good habit.
I agree that perhaps the common denominator here is “education”. I think that the more educated a person is, the more mature they will be… along with more rational, more hard-working, and more likely to have interests outside of eating and sleeping.
My Thai x-bf came as a ready-made package. He was 23 when I met him. He had a university degree, a car, a house and a well-paid job. He had a rich dad and was brought up in luxury with servants and a driver to take him to his private school every day. He was more immature than Chalerm is. Actually, he is STILL more immature than Chalerm is. My x-bf is a habitual liar and bluffer.
Farang Dee’s boyfriend is lower-middle class from the provinces. He too came with a university degree. When Farang Dee met him he was 22, very cute and terribly childish. “Golf” is not only moody, he is also impractical and a daydreamer in a way that Chalerm isn’t. Chalerm at least knows the real world and the value of work and money. Golf doesn’t.
Farang Dee’s theory is that Golf has been sheltered in his upbringing and that working-class boys are more mature because they have to become street-wise at an early age.
I know ONE Thai boy who at 22 seems stable and mature. But I don’t know him well enough to know how he is on a bad day. But this Thai boy has a farang boyfriend who is unusually strict with his Thai boys. And the boys accept it, maybe because the farang is quite young and good looking.
None of the boys, Chalerm included, have any “interests” apart from watching television, using the Internet, eating, sleeping, socialising, shopping and goofing around. Intellectual they are not.
In my early days in Thailand I dated university students from Bangkok. I met them on the Internet. I can’t say I found their maturity much different from the uneducated boys. The crucial variable I found was if they were of Chinese family background or not, with the Chinese more rational, stable and business-like.
Sometimes the Thai-Chinese boys’ business-like approach to dating was a turnoff. But it is worse in other countries. Have any of you tried dating in Singapore? They want your statistics (age, location, body weight, are you top or bottom, often penis size) and if they approve they will be in your hotel room in 20 minutes. If they don’t approve they will say “too old” and “bye”. How romantic. Oops, this reminds me of Internet dating in Farangland.
But back to the Thai-Thai boys. Do we really want them mature and rational? Do we want them to be like us? What would be left of their charm if they were?
I have actually been here from the beginning, and enjoyed all the elements from your stories that resonated with my experiences.
Re the nature of Thai gay boys, you seem to be arguing that these dysfunctional behaviours are a “Thai” thing, whereas I’m leaning towards interpreting them as a “gay/feminine Thai” thing. Unfortunately I don’t know any straight Thai guys in the way I know gay Thai boys. These behaviours do seem to be common amongst the latter, but I have no idea if they are common amongst the former too.
If they are more of a gay thing, I think that raises different questions about their origins.
Perhaps some of your readers who have more experience of straight Thai boys (eg University lecturers or high school teachers) could advise re their maturity / childishness ?
H.
Sorry Mr. H, I had you mixed up with another “anonymous” who said he had just read the blog for two weeks.
I have several friends among the farang teachers in Bangkok. You know, the gay teacher mafia. According to them young Thais are a bunch of crybabies. The suprise is not that they behave like children when they actually are children, but that they stay that way at university level.
Gay boys are drama queens. That adds to it for sure. Have you heard or read much from the straight side of the fence? Farang men with Thai girlfriends… it all sounds familiar. Drama and upheaval. Many of the stories are about bargirls, but some of the ordinary girls are no better, I understand. Have you read the classic “Patpong Sisters” by Cleo Odzer? She did a Ph.d on Patpong girls while shagging around with straight Thai men. The bargirls come across as master manipulators and the straight men are not easy either.
Yesterday evening Chalerm and his buddy Lek went to Pantip Plaza. I assumed it was Lek who needed something computer-ish. But the boys came back with a web camera Chalerm had bought.
When I agreed that Chalerm could buy the PC I made him promise that he would not come running to me with technical problems. It is Micro$oft Window$, there are bound to be problems.
Of course he comes running to me with technical problems. How to install the web cam? He had not read the tiny manual. That would be cheating. I told him to unplug the camera and install the software, as the manual said.
These things are amazingly cheap. 500 baht. Chalerm has asked me in the past to buy a web camera for our other computer, the Macintosh, but when I looked they were over 2000 baht. That’s a few years ago.
We got the camera up and Chalerm is now online in 480 pixels and colour. He will use it for Internet chat. Most of the other gay friends he has do the same. I don’t mind. I trust him not to do anything silly. But I did remind him that he should be careful whom he showed his face to on the net. They are not all nice out there. Chalerm said yes, sure, whatever. He doesn’t like it when I nanny him.
I had the idea of getting one of these cameras to put on the balcony, where we have a view of the high-rise buildings along Silom road, and of the Skytrain. I could send the view around the world on the Internet, as is getting popular these days. But I don’t want any wires. I am anti-wire. If I had a Bluetooth camera I might try it. They are wireless but cost more. We’ll see. Maybe one day.
The “intensity of being together” - yes, that sums up life with a Thai bf pretty well ! I’ve been with him for long enough periods to know what that is like.
Re-reading what I wrote, I should point out that he has no doubt made me a better person too !
I wonder about the connection between moodiness and boredom … or perhaps “Thai ennui”. As good as Thais can be at finding fun in next to nothing, they do seem rather ill-equipped to deal with boredom, which they are often quick to identify. They don’t generally read, they don’t have hobbies, they don’t exercise for exercise’s sake … they just don’t have “interests”. One could perhaps argue that these are middle-class ‘luxuries’ that the people of Isaan have no time or need for. But if we farang supposedly think too much, they often think too little. A recent Sawatdee post related the story of a group of Thai adults contending they had no need for “opinions”.
Given your experiences and those of your friends, I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on where the seemingly stereotypical behaviour patterns of many Thai gay boys might come from.
H.
Since you are a late arrival at the party you missed the glory days of this blog, about six months ago, when I wrote hundreds of pages trying to explain Thai boys. This was when I had my daily soap opera going, short stories and two half-finished novels.
The short answer is that Thai society keeps them childish. This is an authoritarian culture. They are not encouraged to think for themselves or to be independent. They remain immature. BUT this is also why they are so charming, lovable and passionate.
This reminds me I should dust off my manuscripts again and see what I can make out of them.
The realm is at peace. Chalerm is happy and I am happy.
When we have such conflict it seems Chalerm is almost happy when I have put him in his place. It is as if he knows he is bad, but he can’t help it, and therefore is relived when I stop him. I compare it to schoolchildren who will wreck the classroom if they are allowed to, but who are happier if they have a teacher to keep order and discipline.
Here’s my two bob’s worth on the “training” of a Thai bf …
I think periodic separation can be important. As hard as a long-distance relationship like mine can be, it does give one the option of not talking to him at all. I’ve spoken to a number of frustrated farang expats who think in hindsight that they would have been better off just visiting their bf several times a year, leaving him to get on with education or productive employment the rest of the time.
Moodiness, getting angry about trivial things … you name it, we’ve been through it with my bf.
First step was to get him to recognize his dysfunctional behaviour. Once he admitted to it, he could work on resolving it. Whenever he relapsed, instead of it being an argument about a single issue, it was always linked by me to the bigger pattern.
Along the way, when things got bad I have managed to convince him that breaking up was a serious possibility if things didn’t change. Inevitably this was initially met with ‘up to you’ ! Finally I made him concede that it had little to do with me, and was in fact ‘up to him’. I also managed to get him to admit that our relationship did actually matter to him.
One characteristic that I think gay Thai boys are often seriously lacking is empathy. They can kick up a hissy fit at the smallest perceived injustice to them, but struggle to comprehend the effect of their behaviour on others. I tend not to get angry with him, as a father would, but instead show just how much he has hurt my feelings at times. He seems to respond much better to that than anger.
Moodiness is still a problem. But he also recognizes that. When he’s moody, I just refuse to have anything to do with him. Again, I don’t get angry. “OK, I can tell you’re moody today. I’ll speak to you when you’re feeling better. Good-bye”. He can turn it on or off when it suits him, so so can I. He’s getting better. Now he apologizes when he’s been moody.
Re crying … one day when he was in a ’show-off’ mood, my bf made the mistake of showing me how easily be could turn on the waterworks at will. He sat on the end of the bed, got into the mood, and before long the tears were streaming down his cheeks.
I’ve wondered where all this comes from. Are Thai gay boys just the world’s greatest drama queens, or are all young Thais males like this ? Reports elsewhere suggest that Thai women often behave like little girls. Do gay boys just emulate what they think is normal gay / feminine behaviour ?
Soap operas seem to reinforce many of these behaviours. All of these shows seems to have at least one female bitch character who behaves like the worst spoilt child you’ve ever seen. Screaming queens complete the dyfunctional role models for young Thai gay boys. Why people chose to emulate these behaviours is perplexing, but Thais do seem to like to mimic, and there are few better gay role models.
My next planned strategy is to push the ‘cross-cultural’ aspect of our relationship. If he wants to be part of such a relationship, then that will mean some things will be done in a Thai way and others in a Western way. Fortunately he concedes that some aspects of Thai society are dysfunctional. Just as I have learnt about his culture, he needs to learn about mine.
BTW, it’s taken us 5 years to get to this point, and the above trials and tribulations have been a relatively small part of that. And the rest has more than made up for them.
6am. We are both up early. Chalerm is on Internet chat and listening to music. I am doing my blog.
We made peace last night in bed. Body contact has a calming effect.
Farang Dee has advised me to take a few days away from Bangkok. This is a good idea. Things are a little tense at the moment in our home and if we are a apart for a while we get some distance and perspective. From experience, no matter how we have argued we will start to miss each other soon.
I have wondered about the wisdom of writing about our ups and downs in the blog. At least we don’t use real names. And when reading it, remember that it is raw material. If I had written about it with the benefit of a year or two having passed it would have been different.
I am sorry, but I just have to make a comment here. I’ve been reading your website for a couple of weeks now, and I have enjoyed it immensely. I, also, am a gay farang in Thailand. But the world you live in with your young Isaan boy is very different from mine.
So my comment/question to you is… and I am trying to think of a nice way to say this but I’m having trouble… it sounds to me like your boyfriend is completely selfish and immature and a total pain to be around.
You are always doing nice things for him, but what do you get in return? Closed doors. Leaving home for days on end with no explanation. Refusal to talk about anything other than sex and food. Rolling over and going to sleep when you want a simple 10-second back scratch…
I’m sure he’s cute, but … what else is there that makes you keep him around? There are so many nice boys in Thailand that would show a little bit of appreciation, gratitude and respect to a quality guy like you. And no, I don’t consider one rose after being gone for 2 days as a sign of apology, gratitude, respect, or love.
I am very curious to hear your response, but please allow me to say again that I am still gladly reading your site daily. Thanks so much for sharing your life with the world. It makes for an interesting read, to be sure! Chok Dee…
Dear Mr. Anonymous
You are right, the last couple of weeks my bf has been a pain to be around.
I wrote similar emails to friends in Thailand while I still lived in Farangland, urging them to straighten up their Thai boys and asking them why they tolerated this nonsense.
Once I am in the situation myself it isn’t so clear anymore. Thai boys are basically children, and children are immature and selfish. Be they 20, 30 or 40 even, I am not sure if it makes a lot of difference. Farang Dee has had his bf for 10 years and although problems are smaller now he still complains that his 30yo boy is lazy and self-centred. Farang Dee has tried all the tricks in the book, but there is no easy fix.
I had some progress with Chalerm. He no longer locks the door. He greets me, wai’s me when he comes home.
We had a flare-up today. He wanted another back scrub. I suggested he give me back massage for a change, and he refused. I said I do a lot for you, and give you everything you need, what do you do for me? - Nothing, was his answer.
Last night, for example, I was sitting in a restaurant off Suriwong when Chalerm called me. Could I buy a cake for Lek’s birthday? I said he could buy one himself but he didn’t know where to find one. This was after midnight and he wanted to surprise his friend in the morning. Where does one find cakes in the middle of the night? Foodland in Patpong. So I went there and got one for him. I reminded Chalerm that this is the sort of favour people do their boyfriends, but it seems that I do them for him but he will not do them for me. This will have to change.
Well, I am raising a kid here. It isn’t easy. I have my doubts sometimes. But the grass is not greener on the other side. Most of my farang friends have had similar problems with their Thai boys. Some have had much worse problems. It goes up and down. Just a month ago I was praising him and I thought he was wonderful.
Having holiday boyfriends, or affairs with barboys, does not prepare for the reality of a long-term relationship living together. They can be on their best behaviour for a while but you have to watch them daily for months till you see the other side of them.
I spoke quite harshly to Chalerm about his selfish and cranky behaviour today and he didn’t respond. His face went pale and he left the room. It looked like he had cried when I saw him an hour later. I apologised for getting angry with him. Again no response. He knows what I have said is true so we will see what effect it has. His behaviour lately is unacceptable and I will send him packing if it doesn’t improve.
Today I went to a Central department store for lunch while Chalerm and his school friend Lek were still sleeping. They had been up all night talking.
Once I get out of the Silom/Sukhumvit area the shopping malls get more Thai. There are few foreigners and the Thai girls give me interested looks. OK, sometimes Thai boys too. But today was not a good day for queen spotting. It goes in waves.
I bought Chalerm a toy animal, Nemo the fish, which is a storage thingy for 20 compact discs. When my sister was nine she said I had to stop buying her stuffed animals, she was too old for that. Gay Thai boys, on the other side, never get too old for cute dolls.
Chalerm was happy to get the toy animal. It made his day and now it rests with the big Doremon doll. It was just a 99 B gift but sometimes the small things are more appreciated than the big ticket ones.
We went to bed in the afternoon for a cuddle session. Chalerm likes to have his back scratched. The harder I use my fingernails on his skin the better he thinks it is. But he is lazy so when it is my turn to get a back scratch he is too tired and wants to sleep. This is an issue I am working on.
Chalerm and I went to a new place for Loy Krathong this year. Before we have gone to Thaksin (Sathorn) Bridge to float but this year we tried Rama 3 bridge instead.
At Rama 3 there was hardly a farang in sight, but a fun fair under the bridge and lots of people. Chalerm had several of his friends in tow. I must have angered them when Chalerm and I took the first taxi and left the others to take the 2nd. They could not understand why. Seven people in a taxi? That’s nothing by Thai standards.
Much milling about and mobile phone talk later we arrived at the river. This spot is opposite from the Kasikorn bank building, quite far down the river. The usual children were in the water, looking for money in the krathongs. Last year Chalerm put 10 baht in it and it was grabbed immediately. This year we didn’t put any money in it and it was allowed to float on the river. The wind blew out the candle but the incense burned.
Chalerm put the krathong over his head and prayed before we put it on the water. I tried to pray too, wishing for happiness for both of us. But I was too tall to get my head under the krathong while he held it.
Loy Krathong is a nice event. In Thai style everything you need can be bought on the spot from eager vendors. Chalerm wanted a 200 B krathong since there were two of us. I think he wanted to show off. His friends bought 20 B krathongs.
None of his queeny friends have boyfriends.
- You are lucky to have a boyfriend, I told Chalerm.
He didn’t want to admit that.
I fell behind Chalerm in the crowd. A young man stood by a fence, his arms resting behind him on the rail, his legs spread out.
- What you name? said the young man.
His tone and body language was familiar. He must be a moneyboy, I thought. I pretended not to see him.
Several other people tried to talk to me, mainly drunks. They got confused when I replied in Thai. They were harmless but I am not too fond of talking to intoxicated Thais.
When we had floated the krathong Chalerm wanted to leave. I told him he and his buddies could go to the pub they had talked about, while I stayed longer to take pictures. They left.
I think Chalerm and the friends must have disagreed about something, as he called me half an hour later. He was home again, alone.
When I left the river a woman shoved a large krathong in my face.
- You you, she said insistently.
- You you, I replied and walked past her.
- Stupid! someone said loudly in Thai behind my back. Was that meant for me?
- He has been to the river already, can’t you see that, another voice said.
On the main road an obviously gay boy was waiting for the bus. He was holding a plastic-wrapped mattress he had bought. I looked at him and he looked at me. I wondered if I should ask him if he was going to bed. But I didn’t. Had I seen him before? He reminded me of that boy who worked in the shopping centre. What a small town.
When I came home Chalerm was at Silom road, eating. When he returned he was in a bad mood. Why had he not joined his buddies at the Radjada road pub as they had planned? Chalerm would not say. I hoped the friends haven’t nagged him for money. They do that sometimes.
I have to remind myself that Chalerm, despite being 22, has the mind of a young teenager. He can change from being mature and sensible into behaving strangely like I wrote about.
I would not call myself a saint. This is how Thai boys often behave. Most of my farang friends who live in Thailand had similar experiences (but less so if the boy is Thai-Chinese, they are more stable). Farang Dee, for example, still has such upheavals with his bf despite his “boy” being 30 now. They have been together for ten years. If the boy is in a bad mood he picks a fight over nothing and leaves in anger. It seems to be a way of coping with stress.
But looking on the bright side, it must be almost two years since Chalerm and I last had a walk-out conflict. It gets rarer with age. In this respect my Chalerm is actually ahead of many other Thai boys I know about.
We had an incident last week. It was about nothing, but it still ended up as a major controversy.
Thai boys seem to have a cycle that goes like this
1. The Thai boy gets stressed, tired or upset for reasons external to the relationship.
2. The boy begins to behave in a strange or anti-social way.
3. The farang puts his foot down.
4. The two have a scene.
5. The Thai boy leaves.
6. A few days later the boy comes back.
7. Both parties carry on as if nothing happened.
This time it was the beginning of the new semester that caused it. A new semester meant new classes, new teachers and new friends. Chalerm had to adopt. Maybe he got teased for his femininity. Maybe some teachers didn’t like him. Rajaphat is not the most gay friendly of schools. This was the place that tried to ban gay men from becoming teachers some years ago. Whatever the reasons, Chalerm was thrown off balance.
I had spoken to Chalerm earlier about the need to remain civil when we live together. Politeness should not be something confined to strangers or friends. I noticed he was in a bad mood when he came home from school. He would not speak to me or return a greeting. He just went to the 2nd bedroom, where the PC is, locked himself in and was on Internet chat all evening.
- Locking the door is rude, I said.
- Is normal, said Chalerm.
- No it isn’t. Only you and me are here. Are you afraid of me? It looks that way when you lock the door. It is an insult. And why are you not saying hello? You hear me but you don’t answer.
- I not like say hello.
- Why?
- In my family people not say.
- Really? Well if you are going to live with me I expect you to at least make eye contact and acknowledge me when you come home.
- You see me before.
- That’s not the point. When you have been out all day, and I haven’t spoken to you since the evening before, it is normal to say hi.
- Not normal. I not wan speak you. I wan stay alone. Why you wan speak me? I not wan speak you.
- We live together. Do you think I enjoy it when you come home like an ice cube, pretend I don’t exist and lock yourself in? I saw you. You locked yourself in, and then you went to the kitchen and got water, lock again. You got food. Lock lock.
- Up to me.
He did this for a second day. He slept in the 2nd bedroom too. The third day he did the same. When he came home he sat down by the television. He had been out all day, first at school and later at some activity in the Rainbow Sky group.
I said nothing. Chalerm turned on the TV. I saw him smile and laugh at the sitcom that was on. I heard him speak to his buddies on the phone. He could be friendly and social with others, but not with me.
When he got up and walked across the living room I shouted at him
- HEY!!
I startled him. He tried to give me an angry look. Clearly he thought he was the injured party.
- You forgot to say hi when you came home, I said.
- Not forget.
- Behave!
- Up to me.
- Why do you even bother to come here if you don’t speak to me?
He locked himself in again.
A text message came from Chalerm’s mobile phone. It read “Sorry. I can go stay my friend”.
I replied: “Up to you”.
If he had thought I would beg him to stay he must have been disappointed. So he left and I was too angry to care.
I consulted my friend Farang Dee on the phone. He has lived in Thailand for 15 years.
- Good, said Farang Dee. – Don’t tolerate nonsense.
- We are fighting over nothing, I said. – He is basically defending his right to be rude and ignore me. I can’t believe this.
- Don’t accept it.
- I didn’t. But why can’t they just behave? Why must these things come to a crisis that threatens the whole relationship?
- Thai boys are like that.
- It seems he wants to take his frustration out on me, the one person who supports and helps him.
- Thai boys like to bite the hand that feeds them.
- This is irrational.
- Yup.
48 hours later Chalerm returned. He had dark rings under his eyes. Maybe moving out had bothered him more than he pretended.
I was still angry with him. He sensed that and tried slowly to melt the ice. He lay next to me at night, letting a knee or a hand touch me in his sleep.
The next morning Chalerm came in with something hidden behind his back.
- Close eye, he said.
I closed my eyes.
He kissed me.
- Open eye, he said.
He held a red rose in front of me. I sniffed it. It was real.
- Thank you, I said.
Chalerm leaned forward to whisper something in my ear. - I love you.
Having said that he jumped away and was out the door before I could reply.
Well, the...