6am. We are both up early. Chalerm is on Internet chat and listening to music. I am doing my blog.
We made peace last night in bed. Body contact has a calming effect.
Farang Dee has advised me to take a few days away from Bangkok. This is a good idea. Things are a little tense at the moment in our home and if we are a apart for a while we get some distance and perspective. From experience, no matter how we have argued we will start to miss each other soon.
I have wondered about the wisdom of writing about our ups and downs in the blog. At least we don’t use real names. And when reading it, remember that it is raw material. If I had written about it with the benefit of a year or two having passed it would have been different.
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November 21st, 2005 at 12:16 pm
Hi… this is “Anonymous guy” again. I just wanted to say that I think it’s great that you write about your ups and your downs on your website. And it’s great for me that I found it. Of course what you write about is raw. That’s what makes it so damn good!
I think the idea of the online diary is fantastic. You put out your heart and soul to the world and sit back and see what happens. If nothing else, it should be therapeutic for you. At least I know that I *think* more clearly when I write than when I talk… perhaps it is the same for you?
And I totally agree with getting out of Bangkok for a while. As much as I love the conveniences of the City of Angels, it is overwhelming in many bad ways too. I try to leave for a little get-away as often as I can. It’s good for the soul.
November 21st, 2005 at 12:17 pm
Your writing has become like having a conversation with a friend. When you hear what’s going on, you can put it into perspective, knowing that the situation is growing and changing daily. All of us, given the benefit of hindsight, would write vastly different stories…but I, for one, would really hate to have to wait that long. I appreciate the give and take of a growing relationship and it helps me to know that it takes patience, kindness, and true caring to maintain. Once again, thanks for sharing and, for what its worth, I wish you both the best.
November 21st, 2005 at 1:31 pm
As Wittgenstein may have said, “how do I know what I think until I see what I say?” Re-reading after time has passed can also help you to isolate patterns and break out of them, if necessary.
November 21st, 2005 at 8:31 pm
Here’s my two bob’s worth on the “training” of a Thai bf …
I think periodic separation can be important. As hard as a long-distance relationship like mine can be, it does give one the option of not talking to him at all. I’ve spoken to a number of frustrated farang expats who think in hindsight that they would have been better off just visiting their bf several times a year, leaving him to get on with education or productive employment the rest of the time.
Moodiness, getting angry about trivial things … you name it, we’ve been through it with my bf.
First step was to get him to recognize his dysfunctional behaviour. Once he admitted to it, he could work on resolving it. Whenever he relapsed, instead of it being an argument about a single issue, it was always linked by me to the bigger pattern.
Along the way, when things got bad I have managed to convince him that breaking up was a serious possibility if things didn’t change. Inevitably this was initially met with ‘up to you’ ! Finally I made him concede that it had little to do with me, and was in fact ‘up to him’. I also managed to get him to admit that our relationship did actually matter to him.
One characteristic that I think gay Thai boys are often seriously lacking is empathy. They can kick up a hissy fit at the smallest perceived injustice to them, but struggle to comprehend the effect of their behaviour on others. I tend not to get angry with him, as a father would, but instead show just how much he has hurt my feelings at times. He seems to respond much better to that than anger.
Moodiness is still a problem. But he also recognizes that. When he’s moody, I just refuse to have anything to do with him. Again, I don’t get angry. “OK, I can tell you’re moody today. I’ll speak to you when you’re feeling better. Good-bye”. He can turn it on or off when it suits him, so so can I. He’s getting better. Now he apologizes when he’s been moody.
Re crying … one day when he was in a ’show-off’ mood, my bf made the mistake of showing me how easily be could turn on the waterworks at will. He sat on the end of the bed, got into the mood, and before long the tears were streaming down his cheeks.
I’ve wondered where all this comes from. Are Thai gay boys just the world’s greatest drama queens, or are all young Thais males like this ? Reports elsewhere suggest that Thai women often behave like little girls. Do gay boys just emulate what they think is normal gay / feminine behaviour ?
Soap operas seem to reinforce many of these behaviours. All of these shows seems to have at least one female bitch character who behaves like the worst spoilt child you’ve ever seen. Screaming queens complete the dyfunctional role models for young Thai gay boys. Why people chose to emulate these behaviours is perplexing, but Thais do seem to like to mimic, and there are few better gay role models.
My next planned strategy is to push the ‘cross-cultural’ aspect of our relationship. If he wants to be part of such a relationship, then that will mean some things will be done in a Thai way and others in a Western way. Fortunately he concedes that some aspects of Thai society are dysfunctional. Just as I have learnt about his culture, he needs to learn about mine.
BTW, it’s taken us 5 years to get to this point, and the above trials and tribulations have been a relatively small part of that. And the rest has more than made up for them.
H.