10. Urges in the dark
Robert Miller was from Kentucky. Robert didn’t consider himself gay when he was young. He had fantasies about boys and men when he masturbated, but it didn’t occur to him that this could be an orientation or a lifestyle choice. Homosexuality was a terrible and disgusting sin, almost as bad as having sex with farm animals, and Robert wasn’t going to do any of these things. Robert was a normal straight man. Maybe he had some unusual fantasies but they were just fantasies.
His parents were shopkeepers and Baptists. They sent Robert to college but not his sisters. Robert found a job as an accountant. In 1969 he married a girl he had dated in high school, but never been to bed with, because getting married was the right thing to do. Robert had sex with his wife, again because it was the right thing do to and necessary to make babies, but he had to think of naked boys when he did it.
By accident Robert discovered that even in Kentucky men found each other. It happened at stops along the highway and at certain parking lots at night. It was car-based cruising. Men drove slowly past, raised an eyebrow or nodded, and then one car would follow another to a secluded spot where one car suddenly was empty and another car just as suddenly had two people in it.
Robert didn’t think this was sex. Only intercourse was sex and he didn’t do any penetration. No, this activity was just for fun. It was men helping each other to have a good time. That was all.
But the men who played this game had to watch for the police, who liked to harass anyone they suspected of immoral behaviour. Even if the cops could not prove anything they liked to stop and search cars, taking their time and being as intimidating as they could. As Robert would discover there were other dangers too.
Robert met a truck driver who was unusually horny, verging on the desperate. Robert was happy to help him. The truck driver didn’t make any efforts but Robert knew how to take care of him. This was successful and the truck guy’s response suggested it had been a while since last time. But as soon as the peak was reached the truck driver’s personality changed. He hit Robert’s head with his fist and yelled at him. He shouted that Robert was a sick pervert.
Robert was stunned about the sudden reversal but the blow to his head made him realise he was in danger. The truck driver tried to hit Robert again while shouting abuse at him. If Robert’s mind didn’t understand the situation then at least his feet did. Robert ran for his life. Wet, cold and scared Robert hid in a ditch until he saw the man drive away.
Much later, when Robert was divorced and had come to terms with his sexuality, he mentioned this episode to a gay shrink in Chicago.
- I have heard of similar things before, said the therapist.
- I was afraid he would hurt me seriously, said Robert.
- You had reason to.
- Why did he do this? It didn’t make any sense. First he wanted it but when he got it he went bananas.
- He could not handle his homosexuality. This kind of guy is in denial. He hates gay people and he hates and fears the part of himself that likes men. He keeps these feelings locked down. But he gets horny and eventually he will have gay sex if the opportunity is there. As long as his horniness is in command he is calm. But at the moment of climax the sexual urge that was chemically in charge of his brain goes away and his guilt and self-loathing comes flooding back. The change only takes a couple of seconds. This was when he blamed whoever he had gay sex with. He projected his self-hatred on you. You were lucky to get away. He could have killed you.
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