42. Duff comes home
As long as Duff was in the air he could halfway pretend he still was in Thailand. But when he arrived in London 6am the darkness outside the airport was different. It wasn’t the soft, warm darkness of a night in Bangkok. London had 10 Celsius and rain. Daylight came only slowly while Duff was on the train to Manchester and it never turned to bright day but remained grey and foggish.
Duff tried to keep the Thailand feel-good atmosphere inside him as long as possible. He didn’t want to see Farangland outside him. Compared to Thais Duff’s fellow Brits were large and clumsy in their movements. Just the way they sat in their seats was telling. Thais sat neatly and positioned their bodies in an effortless and elegant way. Their faces remained calm. The farangs sat like sacks of potatoes with gruff faces, hiding behind a newspaper or staring out the window.
This is the re-entry shock, thought Duff. He had been through it before. It was worse in winter. In summer the sun was up when he came back in the early morning, the landscape was green and the trees had leaves. In winter the land was miserable and people looked miserable too, as if they had been forced out of bed and onto the train at gunpoint.
Duff tried to think of Bia’s lips. He tried to think of how it felt to kiss him. But rather than enjoy the memory he could only think of how unfortunate it was that he could not do it again today, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month or any time soon.
Duff’s thoughts returned to the living-in-Thailand plan. Should he do it? Duff had toyed with the idea before, in particular when he came home from a holiday. But once the daily routine started Duff became preoccupied with life in England and Thailand seemed far away. Thailand seemed like a dream, a place so distant it probably wasn’t on the same planet as England.
Could he really move to and live in Thailand? It was a big step. Despite its faults, mainly the lack of boys and the bad weather, England was safe and comfy. His family and friends were here. He had a job. Health care was free. He understood what was on television. Democracy worked and the police didn’t demand bribes. He could buy all the little snacks and foods he missed while in Thailand from the shop on the corner.
On the other hand Duff only felt really alive when he was in Thailand. England was ok once a week or two had passed and his post-Thailand depression had lifted. But he felt like a sleepwalker in the streets of Manchester. Duff was born and raised in this city and knew hundreds of people. But where were they? His old school friends were married and had kids and busy jobs. If he met any of them, which rarely happened, they spoke about children, schools and mortgages. Duff felt left out. He had some gay friends who complained of the same isolation and boredom as Duff did. This country seemed to be made for people who were married with children and who lived in houses with neat gardens. Duff could see his life consisting of more of the same the next 40 years, only that a single gay man would get less laid and more lonely the older he became. What should he do?
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