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I had not recovered fully from my Jakarta belly when I had to go back to Bangkok. My last official act in Indonesia was to meet Farang O and Farang Z for lunch. Farang Z asked what I thought of the city he lived in. I said it was too soon to tell when I was still sick of it.
I got a Blue Bird taxi to the airport. The meter said 85,000 rupiah and I gave the driver 100,000. He looked happy.
The Indonesian Immigration officers were talkative and informal in a way the stiff officials in Bangkok would never allow themselves to be. Foreigners might think they were human.
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I had hoped my belly would leave me alone till I was home in Bangkok again. But I felt an increasing and pressing need. The restrooms at the airport didn’t look too inviting. I skipped the first one I saw. I skipped the second one too.
Arriving at the gate I realised there were no toilets in the waiting area, only at the gate itself. Only when staff gate opened twenty minutes before the flight could passengers “go”. I feared an accident if I had to wait that long.
I went back to the last restroom I had seen. The first stall was a squat toilet. I stared at it with horror. I had never used one of those. The second was a Western-style toilet. But the stall was dirty and wet. There was no toilet paper. Outside by the sinks were some paper dispensers. Empty.
The toilet had an Asian-style butt shower, but I had never learned to use those. I am told they are excellent if you know how, but this was not the time or the place for experiments. (*) (**)
(*) My approach, if you really want to know, is to combine toilet visits (with the traditional Western paper method) with showers. In the tropics I often shower twice or more a day. A full body wash. Can’t get any cleaner than that.
(**) I am aware I might offend readers with the use of graphic terms such as toilet instead of facilities and toilet paper instead of tissue paper, but I am just a country boy and I don’t know any better.
I went to a kiosk and bought a newspaper. I had hoped for something that would make me gain face and enhance my intellectual standing, like Le Monde or Frankfurter Allgemeine. But they didn’t have European newspapers. The Jakarta Post would have to do. I divided the front page up in suitable pieces and went back to the toilet.
Dual use newspaper
The first use of the Jakarta Post was to wipe off the toilet seat, which was covered with water drops from the previous person and his shower activities. Then to business. Phew. This was urgent indeed. What a relief.
Mosquitoes and cockroaches kept me company in the stall. The plan worked. My compliments to the fine journalists and staff of the Jakarta Post.
When I went out to wash my hands a smiling attendant came over. He offered me toilet paper from a roll. It was for drying my hands.
However, much as the Thai ‘heart’ beats in favour of closing...
Well, the...
July 29th, 2008 at 10:12 am
reminds me of old friends telling me that his idea of roughing it is going without room service.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Have you ever noticed the closer you get to a toilet, the more urgently you have to go?
When I’m walking home from eating or shopping, and I have an urgent need to visit the bathroom, I will often try to trick my brain into thinking my house is a number of blocks further, and once in my house that the bathroom is countless hallways further than it actually is
July 29th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Oh for the days of the Sunday Pictorial squares hainging on a cord at the back of the outside privvy door.
I have accepted an offer to talk at a Jakarta conference, my first time there, your little story has scared the s^*t out of me. Can’t stand those squat toilets but like the mini-bidet-on-a-tube thingies.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Yes, you found the only use for FAZ after they changed layout last year.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Wonderful. Must’ve been quite the lovely experience.
July 29th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
The problem with using most of the Asian newspapers is that their ink bleeds. So while you might feel like you are clean, you actually might have a headline transferred to your butt.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
ROFL… love it!
Seriously though, you’ve really never used a squat toilet? I can’t believe you can have spent the last few years travelling around Asia and never used one.
Crappy toilet facilities is one of the less-enjoyable aspects of being out and about. I’ve shat in all kinds of conditions. I like to rank them in order of enjoyability, from best to worst.
8. 5-Stars… a gleaming bathroom, crystal clear flushing Western Toilet… ahhhh, what a luxury… it actually makes it an enjoyable deed!
7. Crappy Western Toilet… might be filthy, could be dirty, but still a Western Toilet with toilet paper, shelter, washing facilities and privacy.
6. Squat toilet… it’s agonising for the first few days… but after a couple of times, your muscles loosen up and become stronger… and squating to shit becomes natural.
5. Shitting into a pit… conditions can be variable… to be honest, if the weather’s nice and the flies are being polite, I prefer shitting into a freshly dug hole to using a filthy urban toilet.
4. Shitting into pit where everyone else has been shitting… the communal pit… it stinks and is really offputting.
3. Shitting into a pit in the rain… uncomfortable, wet and sometimes freezing cold. At least your dangly bits will shrivel up and stay out of the way!
2. Shitting with impatient flies… few things are worse than trying to push out a big brown baby in the middle of the jungle while dozens of filthy marble-sized flies are buzzing around impatiently feeding on it while it’s still half inside you. *shudders*
1. Shitting into a bag to carry out… yes, this really is the pits. Certain situations require you leave no traces behind… and this means shitting into a plastic bag, tying it off and putting into your backpack to carry out.
Not only is it very uncomfortable squatting and holding a plastic bag under your arse at the same time… it really is quite unwholesome to be putting shit back into your backpack alongside all your food. But, like all of the above circumstances, you soon get used to it and after a while, it’s the accumulated weight rather than the disgusting contents of these undesirable plastic bags that bother you!
Thank goodness… I’ve never had to put up with a lack of toilet paper though… maybe one day.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Thank you for that realistic assessment.
I have been face to face with squat toilets a few times (my border runs to Cambodia come to mind) but I have been able to avoid them by holding out till something better came along.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Ah… the old “bung it up” trick…
I’m really curious about those “bum showers”… how do you use them without wetting your pants or socks?… or without needing a towel to dry afterwards…
Knowing this trick will make life easier…
July 29th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
My cousin once entertained me with a video from backpacking in Egypt. The highlight was a close-up of the most disgusting toilet I have ever seen.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I should video a close up of the “shitting into a bag” process… everything from finding a secure spot… to “holding steady”…. to ensuring accurate deliver… to making sure all the air is out of the bag before tying it off… to making sure it’s double-knotted (you don’t make this mistake more than once)… to packing it into the bottom of your backpack!
You’ll love it!
July 29th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
So now this blog is about scat ?
July 30th, 2008 at 12:55 am
Asian squat toilets normally have a large target to aim at & you have no need to make physical contact with the facility. This is a big plus in countries where these are not cleaned.
In France on the other hand, the hole is quite small & if the previous user missed, that writes off the whole trap.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:51 am
lol… toilet paper too expensive… only for hand
July 31st, 2008 at 12:03 am
SF, this is a highly entertaining post…love the comments, especially from Beachlover…
July 31st, 2008 at 7:42 pm
I recall my first trip in Thailand and saw those toilets, I was shocked.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:00 am
I was going to make a joke about toilet humour, but then I realised that all my jokes are shit.
ha. hahaha.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
What a topic.
I own an Apt in Bangkok (at least that’s what i believe the paper says) it has the “traditional” setup but also includes a sort of douche hose connected to the cold water line and drain in the floor those with bad aim.
Forget the heat, pollution and traffic, even for this New Yorker, the bathroom was the most difficult adjustment.
Ironically the unit is made by American Standard -as if to make me feel more at home.
I thought of having it converted but I am normally there only 4-6 weeks a year and the two Thai grad students who live-in are cool with things as-is, so when in Rome..
I was there for Songkran and stayed for a small role in a feature film, in typical Thai irony, the location trailer we had was equipped “western style”.
Lino