I didn’t have an grand strategy when I sent Chalerm packing. I had not analysed or planned it, and I didn’t know what his response would be. It was a gut reaction. I could not live with how he was behaving and when soft talk didn’t help something had to give.
Chalerm thinks my money means that he can quit his job and do nothing. What a preposterous idea. To do nothing in this context is the Thai do nothing, no reading, no learning, no hobbies, no activities, no nothing. He would spend his days sleeping or on the Internet, chatting up men in Farangland who send pictures of their privates. This is no way to live even if you are rich.
Chalerm isn’t rich. I am not rich either but I have enough to support him. But what would happen to him if I got run over by the bus? “Never mind”, says Chalerm. “I was poor before. I can go to Anyburi and only need money eat little bit. I can go help my friend. She hairdresser”.
Chalerm called the maid’s mobile phone yesterday. He was concerned that I didn’t answer my phone, which was blocked by the phone company because SOMEONE forgot to pay the bill. This someone often forgets to pay the bill, which is in Thai so I can’t read it and I don’t know when it is due.
The maid handed me her fancy music player camera phone. Why do these supposedly poor people always have more expensive phones than I have?
In a tense voice Chalerm told me I had to go to the AIS shop in Central Rama 3 to get them to open the phone again. I owned them 400 baht plus a 107 baht fine, he said.
That was our entire conversation. I don’t know where he is and I didn’t ask. Today I sent a text message asking if he had enough money. “Yes, I have thanks”, was the reply. I then said I had to go to Malaysia soon. “Up to you”, replied Chalerm. I said, again by text message, that it was not up to me since my Thailand visa would expire. No reply.
This is where things stand.
Tags: gay Thailand, Thai boys
May 19th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Hi, sorry to hear about the break-up but these things do happen, have to say that your position seems reasonable, but dealing with any Thai {gay st8 or 3rd way} my position is that they will react as a 12 year old, even those with foreign PhDs, it’s the Thai way, living in the now;)
On the phone point, my guess is that the phone is not in your name, since post paid needs a work permit or, if you’re lucky, a long term visa here. This also means that failure to pay reflects on credit rating of the person the phone is registered to.
To pay the bill you should be able to go to the small TeleWiz shop in Silom Complex and pay it there. Going forward, not sure you can do this with a suspended number you can pay by ATM, just select AIS, enter your phone number and the balance is displayed for you to pay.
Regards
May 19th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Hi SF,
My sympathies for your current situation.
I hope you and Chalerm can work something out which is amicable on both sides, be it a decision to discontinue the relationship or to take another chance on it.
All the best,
M
May 19th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Wow. Those were some pretty curt replies he was giving you. But why would you ask him if he needs money after kicking him out?
May 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
You are beginning to cave.
May 19th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Ah, I fondly remember the “up to you” conversations I had with my ex. Most annoying phrase ever !
May 19th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
According to thai concept: When you have money then have good life and enjoy. If you get poor you get poor and deal with it then. In a way I like that concept. I think that is why many thai actually are more happy and less worried about life than westerns. Actually the thais I know who have gone from having money to having no money are enjoying life as always, just with out luxuery.
May by Chalerm will enjoy life being hairdresser.
My point is don’t take resonsibily for his life, let him live it accoriding to his mentality. If he is good company for you then live together with him and let him do nothing if that is what he wants. If he is not good company then live your life with out him.
Always telling him what to do and making him follow western rules and concepts will just make both your lifes misserable.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Best of luck, SF!
May 19th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
We have not broken up and I have not cut him off from support. Neither of us said anything about that. I just sent him packing and he just happens to be absent
May 19th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Follow Western rules? He certainly doesn’t but this one was going too far. Imagine having him sitting at home all day for months, or even for life if he gets the habit. No can do.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
bobby has given you the best advice here: this is the reality of the situation. The rest is dross.
bobby’s answer is so good that I wish I new him since he is one perceptive dude!
May 19th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
I am reading this, and the last post about the same subject, like I am watching a car crash. You are writing simply and clearly about it, but obviously not emotionally. As someone commented earlier, you are caving. You have done it in the past, your terms.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Poor Thais think rich people do nothing all day. After all, if you had enough money, why would you work ? The notion of work as fulfilling, even if it only fills the day, is foreign to many Thais. Of course that’s somewhat condescending of me, as the type of back-breaking jobs most poor Thais are all too familar with could hardly be seen as fulfilling.
But Chalem has the prospect of an interesting job, although his current one may be boring.
I thought that it was great that my bf had any job. I was wrong. When he had a boring job, he was mostly a pain in the arse to be around. Since he’s had a busy job in a big traditional office, he’s been much better.
If Chalerm doesn’t work, he will get bored and will be even more of a pain to live with. And he will have no means to make the boredom go away, except maybe drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. So while there is something to be said for letting him find that out for himself, it could go pear shaped.
How far is he from finsihing his course and being able to get a proper job where he can really use what he has learned ?
May 19th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I agree with what Bobby says.
You can’t force Thai boy western way of thinking.
For poor gay Thai boy, living with rich Farang
(Farang must always be rich for Thai !) means
that he can live without working.
If you want to live with Thai boy, you must
accept this thinking.
Because, one of the reasons you can find easily
young gay boy to live with in Thailand is based
on this Thai way of thinking.
You Know that in your home country, you can’t
find young boy to live with older gay like you
unless you are extremely rich.
In Thailand, because it’s poverty, a farang not
so rich like you can afford young boy.
It’s strictly matter of money.
But, remenber, what you can buy with your
money is only Thai boy’s body, not his heart.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I guess the next logical question is. How can you own a thai boys heart? If it takes more than money, what would it take?
May 19th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Hmmm, sometimes I really wonder what I did right or wrong with my Thai bf when I read the comments here
He is 19, i’m 24.
He got a job by himself and he is working 6 days a week and he loves his work.
He pays for his appartment himself, the only thing I helped him with was the deposit, which he payed me back already after he had enough money
He will start going to university in june and thats the only thing he asked me if I could help him with, which I am more than willing to do. And he is really looking forward to start his studies. He also already has secured a part time job when he is on university since he doesnt want me to pay fully for it.
What I want to say with that is, it sometimes makes me really sick if people write that all Thais are all about the money and blah blah blah.
All I can say is, that at least in my case its not true.
“How can you own a thai boys heart? If it takes more than money, what would it take?”
You cannot own a thai boys heart, he can only give it to you.
Well, with money, you can probably pretend that you own it.
And to SF: Im sure you will work things out. There is a reason why you stay together with a person that long, there’s gotta be at least some connection
And I dont think it was all about the money. Maybe he just needs a soft kick in the butt from time to time 
May 20th, 2008 at 2:21 am
Or a hard kick! I’ve been reading this blog for some time and I don’t envy SF. He seems to do a lot better than many foreigners here, but it doesn’t really seem to me that his boyfriend is that interested in him, which is a pity because he seems like a pretty decent fellow.
I’ve been thinking about Thai-foreigner relationships a lot lately- most of this is not directly related to SF or his boyfriend, but may be of interest to him and his blogfans. I think that the mindset which refers to Thais as children, boys, etc. when they are already 20+ years old shows something about the problems some foreigners have dating them. They aren’t interchangeable toys. If you perceive them as “all the same” quite likely the element which is the same is you.
I’m not going to bash those who are looking for boyfriends younger than they are- it’s obvious why they do it, and probably everyone has tried or will try it at some point in their lives (including me). I think it’s worth talking about doing this with your eyes open, though.
I see trends in these types of Thai discussions- there’s always a word from the deluded or the hateful crowds- the ones who think that there are teeming hordes of Thai young men out there looking for near-retirees and older, or the ones who scoff at the idea of any Thai young men out there looking for the same. I think there are some, but not many. It’s pretty unlikely that a tourist will find any of them. It’s not likely that a local will find them quickly. If you do find them, you’ll recognize it when you realize that for your partner, you are the pretty one. I’ve seen it happen enough times that I know it does with frequency that would seem surprising to the “nay-sayers.”
But that doesn’t mean the relationship will be a good one- is every relationship starting in physical attraction going to work? Of course not. So much older men here looking for younger men start with long odds for their chances, and then have further obstacles from the cultural divide, the economic divide, the language divide, the age divide, and the usual personality factors that keep relationships from working.
This doesn’t mean it’s impossible or not worth trying, but if you try to paper over these things with money or pretend they don’t matter, you’ll be wasting a lot of time. If you can’t honestly believe that your bf is attracted to you- if he isn’t clearly enthusiastic and passionate about you from the start- I don’t think any of the rest is more than playing let’s pretend. Some people may want to do that, but I think there are way more than enough people in Thailand for there to be someone worthwhile here for everyone who manages to keep a foothold. It’s a matter of self-respect- don’t most of us want a partner we can be pretty sure loves us? Start from that- and few things remain mysteries and uncertainties in that light, harsh as it is.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:46 am
I don’t sense that SF is needy about the dynamics of richer/older-foreigner & poorer/younger-Thai-hottie relationships. Although we hear primarily his side in this blog, along with a tinge of condescending — the facts speak for themselves: He’s put a lot of his time, money & heart in Thailand and is still free to call the shots in his life.
SF, a couple of questions:
- Where along your BF-to-lover continuum is Chalerm? Do you love him?
- Is it conceivable this dust-up might result in you and Farang D speaking again??