I have discussed Chalerm’s case with Farang S. by email. Farang S. says Chalerm, in light of Thai culture, must feel a huge loss of face these days. Both the other (gay) boys in the office have been to Farangland more than once, and Chalerm has not even been to Singapore yet.
I can just imagine how the others brag and rub it in, Thai style. Even if they were bored stiff they would pretend they had a wonderful time, and not to mention how classy and hi-so it all was. They would go on and on about this to make Chalerm feel small.
I read in the newspaper that Chinese tourists are not terribly interested in the local culture and history of the places they visit. What counts is what people back home thinks of their holiday destination. Been there, done that and had the group photo taken in front of the Eiffel Tower. Thais are like that too.
Chalerm must feel this is unfair. I go abroad all the time, at least to Malaysia. And once a year I go to Farangland. Chalerm wants to join me every year, but every year I barely have enough money for my own ticket. And, since I have brought Thai boys back home before, I am not eager to have him go to Farangland. He will be bored, he will not fit in with my friends and family and he might get ideas about his importance as white men drool over him.
Maybe Chalerm needs a bf with more money. He should get someone who could take him flying around the word, like another Thai-farang couple I knew did.
Farang S. says I should encourage Chalerm to study Buddhism. Buddhism has an anternative to the mindless “face” consumerism in Thai society. Trying to explain Western thinking to Chalerm won’t work, says Farang S. Better to use Eastern philosophy.
I will return to Thailand in a few days.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Bravo, Farang S. It is true that it would totally drive you crazy to haul him around to take photos of himself, as he never would understand the cost factor and what you would expect of him. Maturity comes in waves with Thais, based on the amount of people they have to support. No way common sense would have an ear.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I have wondered why you don’t take Chalerm with you on your trips, if not to Farangland, then at least on a visa run once in awhile. He must feel somewhat abandoned.
I certainly understand if money is an issue. Airfares are going up, up, up. Not to mention having to cash in enough airline miles to upgrade two international tix to business.
And while I don’t know the culture enough to comment on him losing face with his friends, he must wonder why he is always left behind. Don’t you want him with you? Don’t you want to show him a little beyond his Thai horizon?
June 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
SF
Interesting you concluded that. I have been wondering for a time, whether as your long term partner he thinks he should accompany you.
Whether you like it or not you guys are a couple and I can understand that he may believe he should go with his partner on at least some of the “holidays”. Ignoring culture, if I was in his situation I would be thinking that!
R
June 12th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Don’t let you be manipulated by this talk about thai culture and bf loosing face. Yes, of course he is loosing face but don’t let that be your motivation for taking him on trip to farangLand. He is responsible for his own life, if he wants to come he schould do what ever it takes = show some interest in your relationship, behave in away so you would like his company etc. You are responsible for your own life = why schould you use time / money for the benefit of some pictures of your bf in farangland and proberly you will have a terrible time together in FarangLand because you don’t even have a good time together in Thailand - nothing will change that.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I tend to feel a little for Chalerm on this one. To older eyes, an education and a middle-class lifestyle are a tremendous gift, but one gets used to any living standard fairly quickly and study is just study…
You are right to say Chalerm would be drooled over in Farangland… To those of us anchored here, his local equivalent is out of reach for older guys unless very rich, fit, etc.
Maybe a bit of “Chalerm appreciation” is not unwarranted… Australia in November is pleasant and cheaper than Europe…
June 12th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
As I read your post, I thought (in harmony with Bobby’s comments) that you might consider leveraging joint trips abroad by linking them to specific improvements in your BF’s interaction & communication with you.
In other words, consider a direct bargain: When you see him consistently improving his half of the relationship — no more him coming home & cold shouldering himself into the bedroom without a word — then you will feel better about taking him with you abroad.
Just a thought.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Many of these “Thai boyfriends of foreigners who support them and take them abroad” are either thinly-disguised gold-diggers or r*ntboys, and if Chalerm is aspiring to be like them then perhaps he has lost face by not going abroad yet.
For normal Thais, however, this is not an issue. Perhaps Chalerm needs a serious change of environment, including a new set of friends.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
perhaps a compromise is in order….he pays half and gets to go on a trip with you…that way he can get it out of his system and is a win-win for both
June 12th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Budget flights in Asia are so cheap now he could accompany you for effectively no cost if it came out of his generous allowance.
But I assume that one reason he doesn’t come with you is that he has school and work.
On the other hand once he graduates and gets a regular job, it may be almost impossible for him to get time off to travel.
June 12th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I met my Thai bf 8 years ago, and I took him with me on trips to Laos, Singapore, Malaysia and Japan. This definitely helped him. Now he is living in Farangland with me and we visit Thailand each year. Yes he misses Thailand but has learned to adjust. I would encourage you to take Chalerm on some trips as I am sure it would help him too.
June 12th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
What a price to pay for a piece of ass.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I’d feel a little bit miffed if I were Chalerm. He’s good enough to be your boyfriend but not good enough to be seen in Singapore with you.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:54 am
If Charlerm is slacking, the solution is to offer him a “performance related” promise of a trip abroad.
e.g.if he gets some good grades in his study & consistently offers some real affection.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:47 am
Farang D once tried to promise a bonus to workers who showed up on time. They were still late but they wanted the bonus.
Rewards for Thai boys should be immediate. If the reward is in the distant future they will slack, but maybe make an effort the last couple of days so they can get the reward.
Or they will disagree with your record keeping, insisting that they have done better than you say.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:02 am
yes i think the other comments r right,u should take poor chalerm on at least a trip to singapore or watever ,it not cost that much & make him happy self again….
June 13th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Rewards: Or they just change the rules. I once told my BF that if he had 5000B left over from last months allowance, I would give him an extra 3000B. Simple, he just borrowed short-time 5000 from a friend.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
G’day.
Many of the issues being discussed here were very similar to those I was experiencing. Until I confronted the issues head-on … to the point where D felt shame. Then he decided to ‘fly straight’.
But I do agree with taking the bf on trips. D & I have done several internal Thai trips, he has spent his Uni long-break here in Aust and is now back at Uni.
I would have no qualms about taking him to Malaysia or Indonesia, but I would seriously think about Singapore where Clause 377a still ‘rules’ and where a hotel room is considered a public place.
His next trip to Aust is dependant on his grades following the end-of-year exams in Feb 2009. He knows that and he is happy with that.
2 1/2 years ago, like Chalerm, his event-horizon was only 24-48 hours away. Through my insistance and his Uni experiences, that has changed.
Now he is about to turn 31yo. I suspect that may be the difference between Chalerm & D … keep working on it SF, it will come out okay I am sure.
Best wishes.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Chalerm is Thai and he will not get out of that rut, taking him to any farangland or Asialand will not get him out of that rut.
He will be bored and he will not like the food or the weather and will want to return two days after his arrival.
June 14th, 2008 at 5:39 am
He may be bored. He may not like the food or weather. But telling some that he will not like the food or weather is useless, that knowledge only come with experience. And then, if it’s accurate, he may not wish to travel again.
June 14th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Sorry, suan phlu, I have to disagree with that mind-set.
If travel broadens the mind of Caucasians, then it can do the same for anybody, incl Thai guys.
Sure, when D was here, he sought Asian food when he could; that is only familiarity. (I will bet you do the same thing in Thailand, seeking out western food from time to time.) When western food was served to D he (mostly) enjoyed the experience.
If the Thai guys you know truly are as you stereotype, then I suggest you should start fishing in the deep end of the gene pool.
Try to find a ‘boi’ who thinks an occasional visit to DJ or ‘telepon’ is a treat, not a way of life. Perhaps one who is up at 6 am because he doesn’t have enough hours in his day otherwise.
Good luck.
June 15th, 2008 at 3:24 am
I’m not really qualified to commend, as a single Farang, living in Farangland & wishing I was in Thailand with a b.f. But here we go:
It sounds like some fixing up is required in this relationship -Charlerm clearly needs to show a little more affection & take some responsibility for his career.
Also, after 6(?) years together, Charlerm might reasonably expect you take him to Farangland at least once.
Anyhow, keep up the excellent blog.